When You Say Nothing At All
by SameDestination
Summary: AU - Five years post 'Swan Song'. Dean lives solely on the purpose of keeping his brother's dying wish. He made a promise to live a normal life. Normal is exactly what Dean settles for. But, a month before his wedding day a certain angel comes crashing back into his life. Except, he's not really an angel anymore. Dean has a choice to make. Normality or happiness.
1. Chapter 1

**_Part One;_**

Rain poured down, drenching his hair and clothes. The beer bottle in his hand felt cold against his skin. He stood aimlessly staring at the small hand-made wooden cross planted into the ground infront of him. The thought that there was no body in the plot made his heart feel heavy. He took another swig out of the bottle and crouched down to run his wet fingers gently over the visibly old cross. Although there was no name inscribed onto the cross, Dean knew exactly who it was there for.

"It's been five years." He gulped down tears which were slowly forming in his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Sammy. I was supposed to keep you safe, but I fucked it up."

The tears finally began to flow down his cheeks, mixing with raindrops that clung loosely to his skin. It _had_ been five years. People kept telling him that 'time heals all wounds'. They didn't know shit. Time doesn't heal... it doesn't even make it any easier to deal with. The fact was, time would never let Dean forget the day his little brother fell into hell with Lucifer trapped inside his mind. The memory of that day was seared into his brain forever, always clawing through whenever he felt particularly bad about himself. Though he never let it show. The way he looked at it, he didn't deserve anyone's pity, nor did he want it. _I was a piss-poor brother and an even worse person in general_, he'd tell himself over and over again. So, all this time, he'd never allowed his emotional torment to show on the surface.

After sitting in silence listening to the rain drip onto the ground around him for a few minutes, he rose up, took one last look at the cross and turned to walk back to his old rusty jeep. He never looked back, not once.

* * *

The squeal of his alarm clock shocked his body out of sleep. It was set to be just another normal weekday for Dean Winchester. His feet hit the ground and he made his way to the bathroom for his usual morning routine.

With his teeth brushed and his face freshly shaven, he headed to work. From nine to five he worked to repair old cars for low-paying customers at 'Kenny's Garage', it wasn't much, but it was as close to normal as he could get.

Everyday when he got home, the love of his life was always waiting paitiently, leash hanging from her mouth. 'Angel' was a four-year-old golden retriever which Dean had rescued from certain death in a frozen river in the winter of 2011. Ever since, Dean had referred to her as his best friend. Every night without fail, rain or shine, Dean and Angel would take a short walk through Tranquility park. This was where his 'normal' weekday turned his whole world upside down.

* * *

The sound of his own footsteps was somewhat calming. With the sun beating down warmly on his back and the birds chirping merrily as they flew high above him, it was the perfect summer's evening. The only thing bothering him was the horrible itchiness of his left shoulder. The hand-shaped burn hadn't bothered him in years. Infact, he hadn't looked at it in years. As he rubbed at it irritably all the memories associated with it came flooding back. He paused to take a deep breath as he tried to stop the flashbacks. When he finally pulled himself together he realized that his dog was now galloping almost half a mile in front of him right towards an oblivious stranger.

"Angel!" he cried, jogging to catch up with the wayward dog. "Angel, get back here!"

Before he could do anything, Angel had leapt on top of the stranger. The man toppled back and his head slammed against the ground. When Dean finally caught up, Angel was already spreading her enormous, sloppy tongue all over the man's face.

"Angel!"

Dean grabbed her gently by the collar and off of the man. When she eventually ran off after a stray tennis ball, he turned his attention to the man who was now vertical again and wiping slobbers off of his face with the back of his hand.

"Sorry about that." Dean chuckled before his face dropped as he gazed at the stranger stood in front of him, "Don't I know you?"

The man stood frozen, staring right at Dean. After a while, Dean raised his hand and yanked off his sunglasses. His green eyes squinted in order to scan the man. Dean recognised him. This man was no stranger. Right then, his shoulder began to burn so scorchingly hot that he dropped his sunglasses and clutched his shoulder automatically.

"A-are you alright?" the man stuttered.

Suddenly, it all became clear to him. Memories came crashing back into his brain as if a dam had just broken. The sound of the man's voice. He'd heard it many, many times before. His chest ached and his heart began to race when it finally clicked. It was Castiel. A face he never thought he'd ever see again. At first he thought he was dreaming, but it all felt too real. The wave of anger, relief and slight joy that overcame him caused him to shudder. This was way too much.

He stumbled over to the closest bench still clutching his shoulder. He winced and hissed in pain as he settled himself into the bench. Then he looked up at Castiel. Tears blurred his vision though he forced them down. The man then began to walk away slowly. Dean watched in horror as Cas walked out of his life again. Then, suddenly, he spun around and stared wide-eyed at him.

"Dean?" His voice sounded uncertain and anxious.

"Castiel," Dean whispered breathlessly, not quite believing the situation.

He watched silently as Castiel's eyes flooded with tears. Castiel looked a lot older than the last time Dean had seen him. He had large dark shadows underneath both eyes and much more stubble than usual. His pink lips were dry and chapped and his hair was messy. But these things were insignificant, the first thing Dean noticed was different about his old friend was that his trademark trenchcoat was no longer hanging from his shoulders. Now, Castiel was wearing a dark blue kangaroo hoodie with black tracksuit bottoms and scruffy Nike trainers. With all that was different, there was one thing Dean noticed had stayed the same. The look in Cas' eyes. Dean had to bite his lip to stop a huge grin spreading across his face. He had always been a little too fond of the Angel's deep blue eyes. Truth be told, he had got lost in them one too many times in the past.

"I can't believ-" Cas began before his voice cracked and his face was suddenly pelted with holy water from Dean's flask. As if he had been expecting this, he spat the water out casually and continued, "It's been five years."

Dean slipped his flask back into his inner pocket and sat staring at the gravel beneath his feet. He began to recall how hard it was to adjust to life without him. Without Sam. Eventually, he sighed and rose from the bench. After whistling for Angel and picking up his sunglasses, he turned to walk away. _I am not gonna let him do this to me, not again. He's already walked out of my life once, he's not getting the chance to do it again._

"Wait, don't just walk away!" Castiel yelled desperately.

This outburst stopped Dean in his tracks. _What the fuck? Is he serious?_ He swung around and shot Cas a furious look. "You did it first, Castiel. You were the one that walked..._flew_ away when I needed you the most!"

Dean's whole body started to tremble as the memories began to sting like a fresh wound being disinfected in his brain. Castiel averted his gaze to his feet, feeling the familiar pang he recognised as guilt in his chest.

"I'm sorry, Dean."

"That just doesn't cut it, man." He sighed, clearly frustrated "You can't just walk right back into my life and expect me to greet you with open arms!"

"This is as unexpected for me as it is for you. That being said, I believe we need to talk."

With Castiel clearly not getting his point, Dean walked briskly towards him. When they were literally toe-to-toe he stopped. Cas stood frozen in the spot breathing in Dean's coffee scented breath as it swept across his face.

"Look," he scowled as he stared angrily into Castiel's visibly tired eyes, "I do _not_ need you anymore! So just turn around and go back to wherever you came from and make sure we never see eachother again!"

Castiel's eyes widened as Dean took a few steps back, never taking his eyes off him. There was silence for a few seconds before Dean sighed frustratedly and turned to walk away again.

"I'm losing my powers, Dean," Cas pleaded. "I need your help."

Dean placed his hands on his hips and turned around slowly. He couldn't decide what to do. The way he looked at it, he had two choices. Either hear an old friend out or walk away and never look back. _What would he do for me?_ he asked himself as he looked into Castiel's desperate eyes. Eventually he relaxed his stance and took a deep breath.

"Ten minutes, Cas..tiel."

_Shit, he is not getting a nickname from me again,_ he thought_. He had to earn that last time and then he went and left me when I was vulnerable. It's Castiel from now on. Not that he'll be staying for long._ With that, Castiel shot him a grateful but slightly awkward smile.

* * *

The run-down cafe in which Dean chose to meet Castiel later that evening reflected their relationship at the time perfectly. From the outside it looked like a quiet diner built in the '80s. The retro sign blinking in a neon blue colour informed Cas that he was entering the 'Good 'Ole Days Cafe'. As Dean pushed the door open the hinges squealed. Cas managed to slip in whilst Dean held the door, aimlessly staring up at the bright menu above the counter. The door swung shut behind them with a bang that made Cas jump a little. Dean didn't seem fazed, which led Cas to believe he'd visited here before. The cafe itself had a strong stench of deep fried fish and chips with a faint whiff of ketchup. Castiel looked around him whilst Dean continued to eye the menu. The pale green paint was beginning to crack and peel off of the walls. Dotted around these walls were boring paintings by unknown artists. Scattered around the cafe were young waitresses in tiny red and white mini-skirts. Many of them had their long hair tied up in buns or ponytails. As they jotted orders down in their notepads and brought lingering customers their food, Castiel wondered how many of them actually wanted to be here. _Probably very few_, he thought silently feeling a deep sense of pity in his chest for them.

"Are you just gonna stand there all day like an idiot?" Dean piped up as he slumped down into a nearby chair.

Castiel scurried over and slipped onto a wooden chair opposite Dean. The chair looked and felt very unstable. As for the table, it wasn't much better. Regardless of the state of the restaurant, Castiel was genuinely relieved that Dean had agreed to speak with him, even if he wasn't in the best of moods.

"What can ah getcha, guys?" a waitress with a strong Texas accent asked enthusiastically.

It took Castiel a while to realize that the woman was keeping her attention entirely on him. For the amount of time she spent at their table, she never once took her eyes off him. This made him feel uncomfortable. The last time a woman looked at him like that things got complicated.

"Cheeseburger, extra onions... Some fries too," Dean replied with a polite smile on his face.

"Anythin' for you, handsome?" she asked, winking at him.

"Uh, no, thank you."

After the waitress had skipped off to place the order, Dean relaxed back into his seat and began to stare out of the window behind Cas. He had that look on his face. A look Cas was all too familiar with. The look that screamed _'don't talk to me, I'm angry with you'_. Castiel sighed, he knew Dean was stubborn and he knew that their reunion would wreak of awkwardness. But, that wouldn't stop him from trying. Dean had a hard shell, Castiel was aware of this and he was one-hundred percent determined on breaking it and being the friend he should've been five years ago.

"So, your powers. What's wrong with them?"

"I-I'm not quite sure. I think it may have something to do with the lack of other angels on Earth right now." His voice trembled slightly as he thought of his many brothers and sisters who had died because of him. "I think my line of contact with Heaven is slowly closing."

"What do you want me to do about it?... And how the hell did you know where to find me?" he snapped, eyebrows furrowed as he leaned across the tiny table separating them.

"I wasn't looking for you, Dean. I believe God helped me find you."

Dean smirked and rolled his eyes, "What makes you think that?"

"I was leaving Texas, in a taxi. The taxi ran out of gas. This was the only town for miles. There are no taxis in this town and the next bus was tomorrow at noon. So, I decided to walk in the park and figure out a plan. That's when your dog attacked me."

"Angel did _not_ attack you!" Dean interrupted.

Cas smiled, not just at Dean's defensiveness over his dog, but his dog's name. _Angel_. It made him feel warm inside. "That's how I found you, God knew I needed help and he guided me to it."

Dean stared into Castiel's eyes for a long minute, probably trying to figure out whether Cas was being serious or not.

"It was a coincidence, Castiel."

Cas leant over the table. "There is no such thing and you know it." Castiel grew silent, gazing intently into Dean's eyes waiting for a witty comeback. There was none.

Castiel was not yet fully familiar with all the new emotions and feelings he was encountering, but when Dean looked into his eyes there was something different. His heart felt as though it may actually crash through his ribcage at any minute. He was surprised that Dean didn't hear it hammering against his chest. There was something about those beautiful green eyes that made Cas want to jump out of his chair and pull Dean as close to him as possible. He felt the urge to spill his thoughts out. The urge to ask Dean what these feelings meant. It's not that he wanted them to stop, it's that he wanted to understand them.

Finally, the chirpy waitress reappeared holding a plateful of chips and a large burger on the side. "Here ya go!"

After she set the plate down she waved a small piece of paper in front of Cas and gave it a kiss, her bright red lipstick clinging to the side of the paper. She then slid it towards Castiel and winked seductively before walking off with a grin on her face. Castiel looked at the paper with a number scribbled on it. Dean watched him for a second before digging into his cheeseburger. Eventually Castiel ignored the paper and looked up at Dean.

"Coincidence, God, I don't really care. I just don't see how I can help you get your powers back," he said. The food in his mouth muffled his speech slightly.

"I didn't say I wanted my powers back."

Dean stopped eating, clearly confused. "Why not?"

"Being human has its... benefits."

Dean smirked. "What 'benefits'?"

"Freedom, stronger emotions, th-"

"And shit-loads of pain," Dean interrupted, flinging a chip into his mouth.

Castiel's eyebrows furrowed and his head tilted slightly. "Isn't the pain worth it? To know that you have the emotional capability to love someone?"

Dean swallowed his last chip and his eyes began to sting with tears. "In my experience, the people you love the most always leave. Whether they die or just walk away. So, excuse me if I fail to see how pain is worth it."

After this, Dean rubbed his hands on his jacket and stood up. Castiel sat still for a few moments trying to figure out what Dean meant. _Who walked away, Dean? Were you meaning me?_ When he composed himself, he realised Dean had moved to the counter and was talking to a brown-haired woman. He decided to stick with Dean for a while. After all, he was glad he had found him again, he wasn't going to pass this opportunity up that fast.

"I'm gonna cook you something special tonight," she said flirtatiously.

"Sounds good to me." Dean wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer making Castiel's stomach churn.

"And then... We'll have an early night," she whispered into his ear.

Dean chuckled. "Oh, really?"

As Castiel watched the two of them flirt and touch eachother he suddenly felt a prickle of strange emotion. _Must they do that in public?_ His fists clenched on their own and he tried to restrain himself from charging towards them and breaking them apart. His eyes constantly tried to look anywhere but at the couple who were now pecking at eachother's mouths. This made Cas feel physically sick. He couldn't understand why he was feeling so strongly about this. Suddenly he was shook out of his thoughts.

"Who's your buddy, babe?" She smiled politely in Castiel's direction.

_'Babe'? His name is 'Dean'._

"He's just an old friend, his name's Castiel," Dean replied absentmindedly, never taking his gaze off the woman.

"Oh, interesting name. I'm Maria."

"Nice to meet you," he choked as the words almost got stuck in his throat.

Maria turned her attention back to Dean. "So, I'mma get off home now."

"I'll catch up with you in a sec."

"Okay."

Maria turned to walk away and then began to giggle. She then ran back to Dean and gave him a passionate kiss before smiling at Cas again and skipping out of the cafe. Dean then turned to face Cas.

"So, is she-"

"My fiancée? Yeah," Dean interrupted, smiling distantly.

"Congratulations." His throat felt dry and his voice sounded hoarse. He expected 'friend', 'girlfriend' even. Not 'fiancée'.

"Thanks... So, why did you ask for my help if you don't want your angel juice back?"

"I just need someone familiar. I need you to help me understand. I need you to help me be more human," he replied in a low, quiet voice.

Dean stared at him for a second with a slightly amused expression on his face. "I dunno, Castiel."

Castiel then invaded Dean's personal space and placed both of his hands on his shoulders. "Please, Dean. I need you." _'And you need me too'_ almost spilled out of his mouth but he was trying not to push his luck.

Dean wriggled out of Castiel's grip and stepped back clearing his throat, looking slightly uncomfortable. A sigh escaped his mouth and he answered Cas with a nod of his head. "Okay, I'll think about it."

"Thank you." Castiel grinned happily. "It's been good seeing you again, Dean."

"You too, I guess"

Suddenly, Cas remembered watching Dean squirm in agony earlier. "Is your shoulder okay?"

Castiel's sudden question surprised Dean. His eyes widened slightly as he instinctively clutched his left shoulder which, up until an hour ago, had been burning and itchy.

"Yeah, why?"

Castiel rolled his eyes, knowing Dean was lying. He then held out a piece of paper with numbers scrawled onto it. "Incase you need to contact me," he added.

Dean took the card gingerly and stuffed it into his back pocket. Before Cas could say anything else, Dean was already half way out the door. As he watched Dean saunter away into the night he smiled warmly. Thankful that God had led him back to the person who taught him what it was to be Human in the first place. Secretly hoping that this would not be the last he'd see of the man.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Part Two;_**

That night, Dean lay in bed staring at the ceiling for hours. The only thing on his mind was Cas. He found himself replaying the night they met over and over again. All the feelings he felt whilst watching Castiel's wings appear, came rushing back causing goose bumps to wash over his whole body. Then his mind drifted to all the times he had stood in awe, staring into his eyes, getting lost, fumbling to find the words to fill the silence. He remembered the way his heart seemed to miss a beat every time Cas got a little too close. The way he seemed unable to breathe in his presence. _This is stupid_, he thought as he rolled over onto his side. _ Why'd he have to come back now?_ Just when everything seemed to be getting normal for him, Cas came crashing back into his life with those eyes, that scruffy hair and that awkward grin of his. Dean closed his eyes as tight as possible, that still didn't stop thoughts of Cas slipping into his head.

The thing was, Dean knew why he couldn't stop thinking about the angel. The truth was that he was fully aware of his feelings for Cas. Back in 2010, just before Sam said 'yes' to Lucifer, he was building himself up to confess. To tell Castiel everything. He'd stood in front of the mirror many mornings trying to find the right words to say. But, something always stopped him from pouring his heart out. He wasn't gay. He'd never looked at another man the way he'd looked at Cas. The only people he'd ever been with, and wanted to be with, were women. It was different with Cas, though. It wasn't about sexual desire. Did he love him? Maybe, he wasn't sure, but he wanted to find out. He was about to tell him. He was about to cross that line. He trusted Castiel to let him down gently if the feelings weren't mutual. Then everything happened with the apocalypse and Lucifer and Sam. Things just weren't the same after that. Castiel had no choice but to return to Heaven. But, Dean needed him. The fact that Castiel knew how broken he was made what he did unforgivable in his eyes. Though, deep down he understood. Since then, he's pushed his feelings to the back of his mind and got on with his life. Until now.

* * *

"SAMMY!"

His own screams awakened him causing him to bolt upright in a cold sweat. It was still dark in his room. His shirt stuck to him with sweat covering his entire body. He closed his eyes tightly as he slowly regained his breath. Suddenly, he jumped as a warm hand clutched his arm.

"Dean?" Maria still had sleep in her eyes along with a wary look on her face. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Dean sighed. "I'm fine. Go back to sleep."

Maria's hand caressed his arm in an attempt to comfort him before she sunk back into the mattress. Dean climbed out of bed and headed to the bathroom.

As he stood staring at his reflection in the mirror all the horrible images of his nightmares began to haunt his conscious memory.

_The howls of hell hounds searching for him. _

_The screams of pain from the souls he tortured in Hell. Some of them were pleading with him to stop, to give them mercy. _

_Then there was silence. _

_Everything went black. _

_Sam's face appeared slowly out of the darkness._

_"Why didn't you help me, Dean?" his voice boomed before he fell backwards._

Dean splashed his face with ice-cold water in an attempt to wash away the horror of his night terror. He hadn't had nightmares in almost three years. Why would they start now? _ Probably just a one-off._

He was wrong.

* * *

The next few nights were filled with horrifying images disturbing Dean's sleep. Waking up, sweat running down his back, screaming inaudible words. It had almost become a routine. Even Maria had learnt to expect it. Sometimes she even slept through the screaming, tossing and shaking of the man beside her.

Dean was starting to feel the effect of the restless nights himself. His tired eyes were slightly bloodshot with bags slowly forming underneath them. Yawning became as common as blinking for him. He was a wreck and he knew it. He tried to hide it, but Maria was getting worried about his sudden increase in nightmares.

* * *

Cas had just visited the 'Good 'Ole Days' cafe for a quick lunch (and maybe an accidental bump into Dean). The sudden presence beside him startled him at first. It was Maria, she looked worn out and worried. Much different to the woman he first met almost two weeks ago. She smiled warmly and let out a quiet sigh.

"So, how close are you and Dean?"

Castiel's eyebrows furrowed. "We hadn't seen each other for five years previous to last week."

"I know, but before that. Were you two... close?"

Cas smiled, reminiscing silently. "I suppose you could say that. Why do you ask?"

Maria leant in closer. "I'm getting really worried about him, Castiel."

Suddenly, Castiel's attention was completely on Maria. With a wave of emotion sweeping over him, he furrowed his eyebrows. "What is it?"

"He's been having nightmares." They sat in silence for a while. "I know it sounds silly, but he's never had nightmares before. And, these are very bad. If you really know Dean, you'll know he never... talks about things. That's why I need you to speak to him, Castiel." Her voice sounded desperate and trembled slightly.

"Okay... When?" he asked, knowing Dean wouldn't just willingly speak to him without a good reason.

"I'm having a night out tomorrow. Come 'round at six. I won't be back 'til two. Please find something out at least. We can't go on like this much longer." She flicked a piece of paper with her address on it in his direction and left the table.

* * *

The door of his motel room creaked as he entered. He flipped the light switch on and a cold, lonely room greeted him. The single bed looked uncomfortable. The mattress had clearly seen better days and the sheets were an ugly mustard colour. Beside the bed sat a side table with a lamp and telephone on top. There was a door to his left leading to a very claustrophobic bathroom. Inside, there was a limescale filled toilet, a faulty sink and a very small, very dirty looking shower.

Cas walked towards the dilapidated window and yanked it shut with a bang. He stood in silence for a while. The room wasn't much, but it would do. He plopped himself down onto the bed and pulled his laptop out from his bag. He spent almost all night researching nightmares until he decided to watch a movie. It was called 'The Notebook'. He'd heard about it several times but never got around to checking it out. Suddenly, he found himself immersed in the story, he even began to imagine Dean as Noah and himself as Allie. By the end of the movie he found himself wiping his tears and laughing at his silly fantasies.

He'd never realised all those years ago that his feelings for Dean were this strong. Back then, he'd still been one-hundred-percent angel, unable to determine the difference between love and friendship. Now that he knew exactly how he felt about his best friend, he didn't know how to tell him. After all, things were much more complicated now.

Cas shut his laptop down and settled into the bed. As he listened to cars rattling by outside the window and stared into the darkness of the room his thoughts turned to the next night. All of a sudden his stomach felt as if there were thousands of butterflies fluttering about inside it. _Was this nerves? Or excitement?_ He couldn't tell. All he knew was that he was going to spend a night in with Dean. A bit like old times, without the safety net of numbed emotions he used to have.

* * *

Dean's house was just down the road from the cafe. It was a normal bungalow with a large red door and a gold knocker shaped like a lion. Outside, in the front yard, Dean had helped Maria weed out the flower bed and plant all sorts of colourful flowers which were now in full bloom brightening up the otherwise dull exterior of their house.

Dean was slouched on the sofa watching a football match on the screen in front of him when the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it!" Maria yelled from upstairs.

"If it's Kenny, tell him I'm busy."

Dean got up and started towards the kitchen before stopping in his tracks. His mouth flew open to speak but he was shocked by the beauty which stood before him. "Whoa!" he breathed as he looked Maria up and down.

She had a small black dress on which sparkled in the light. Her red heels clicked as she made her way down the staircase with a grin on her face. Her brown eyes glistened as she rested her gaze on Dean. Her long brown hair was curled and rested comfortably on her shoulders. When she got to the last stair she stopped to kiss Dean on the cheek. "Is it too much?" she asked, an uncertain look on her face.

Dean wrapped his arms around her waist. "Definitely not, you look gorgeous... I'm starting to wish you'd chosen to stay in with me tonight."

"Sorry, lover-boy. I got a date with mah girls tonight." She laughed as she opened the door.

Dean turned to enter the kitchen when he heard,

"Hey, Castiel! Come on in, I was just leaving."

He spun around to see Castiel standing with an awkward smile plastered across his face as he stepped into the house. Maria shot Dean a dazzlingly innocent smile and rushed out letting the door swing shut behind her.

"Hello, Dean."

"Hi. What're you doin' here?" he asked, reaching into the fridge for his favourite ice-cold beer and flicking the lid off with the edge of his ring.

"Maria wanted me to talk to you."

"About what?" He took a long swig from the bottle before settling down into an armchair watching Cas follow and sit down opposite him.

"Your nightmares."

There was a long, awkward silence as Dean stared at the bottle in his hands. His cheeks began to burn with embarrassment. "They're not _that_ bad."

"Maria seems very worried about yo-"

"She's not my goddamn mom, Castiel! I can look after myself!" He slammed his beer bottle down on the coffee table separating them causing Cas to jump a little.

"Dean, you can talk to me. You know that, right?"

Dean chuckled darkly. "I'm fine!" He stared into Castiel's worried eyes as tears began to form in his own. "Dammit, Castiel! You think you can just turn up out of the blue after five years and everything's gonna be exactly the same as it was before? You think I'm gonna wanna hold your hand and skip off into the sunset with you? Things change!"

"People don't." His sudden reaction made Dean pause.

"Maybe I just don't wanna talk about it," he said softly, averting his gaze to the floor.

"It's okay that you're having nightmares. Especially after all that you've been throu-"

"_Don't_!" he snapped, staring up at Castiel with anger in his eyes. "Don't even bring that up!"

Cas sighed. "Let me guess, you don't want to talk about that either?"

Dean sat in silence.

"You're going to have to talk about it sooner or later."

"God, Castiel! You're not a fuckin' therapist!"

Castiel bowed his head. "I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't use my father's name in vain." He rose and headed towards the door. "I'm sorry that I've upset you. I just thought you could use a friend."

"Yeah? Well, you thought wrong," he replied, spitefully. His eyes were dark as they watched Castiel leave.

* * *

The next day, Castiel was in the same spot in the cafe when Maria approached him. An expectant look written all over her face. Something inside Castiel felt pity for her. She slid down beside him and smiled, waiting for some good news. His face told a different story.

"Please tell me you got something out of him."

"Sorry." Castiel gulped down a lump which had formed in his throat.

Maria sighed. "Thanks for trying, I guess. He's just so stubborn."

"I think he's angry with me," he said without thinking.

Maria frowned slightly. "How come? I thought you two were close."

"Things are somewhat... complicated between us."

"Long story, huh?"

Castiel nodded in affirmation and she rose to her feet. "There's only one more thing I can do now."

And then she left him sitting there trying to decipher her cryptic words. It didn't take him long to find out what she meant though. Because, that night, Maria left Dean.

* * *

Dean arrived home early from work that evening. He threw his keys onto the coffee table and gave Angel a loving cuddle. He then skipped up the stairs two at a time and into his room. There he found Maria crouched over a large suitcase stuffing her clothes into it.

"Maria?" His voice was barely audible as he struggled to make sense of what was happening.

She turned around to face him. Her eyes looked tired and wary. She'd clearly been crying as her makeup was smudged. Her hair was tied up in a messy bun. The only thing Dean noticed at that moment was that there was something missing from her left ring finger. _Where was her engagement ring?_

"I'm sorry, Dean. I love you, I really do but I can't watch your... guilt... anger... Whatever emotion it is that you're hiding, destroy you like this."

"You're... leaving me?"

She sniffled. "I'm giving you one week. I'll be at my sister's. If things haven't changed by then, I'll have no choice."

She then zipped her suitcase shut and buttoned her coat. With a quick peck on the cheek she left Dean gaping at the air. _How could she do this? _Another person he cared about just leaving him like this. _Story of my goddamn life_. Tears slid down his face as he tried to come to terms with what had just happened.

* * *

Within the next hour Dean lost count of how many beers he'd forced down his throat and was now drinking straight from a vodka bottle. All this time, his head was filled with the faces of all the people who'd ever left him. He'd thought that getting drunk would block out these images. Clearly, he was wrong.

He scoffed at himself as he stumbled back to the sofa. Suddenly, the world began to spin around him. He spread out his arms in a vain attempt to steady himself. After a while, he was finding it harder and harder to breathe and his stomach felt heavy with nausea. Eventually, he collapsed onto the floor on his hands and knees heaving up the contents of his stomach. Struggling to breathe, his body finally gave up and the last thing Dean remembered was everything going dark as his head slammed against the ground.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Part Three;_**

The first thing Dean heard when he came around was the faint beeping of machines. His eyes flickered open and the light blinded him for a second before he managed to focus his vision. There was a burning sensation at the back of his throat and his stomach felt queasy. In fact, it felt as though he'd been throwing up for days. The muscles in his stomach screamed in pain as he tried to sit up. There were wires attached to his arms running up into an IV bag. His eyes scanned the room, it was obviously a hospital. Beside the bed to his left there was a heart rate machine which was producing the beeping sound he'd been hearing. To his right was a small beside table and a chair. He then noticed what he was wearing. Draped over his clothes was a blue and white chequered hospital gown. His nose felt strange until he realised there were wires inserted into his nostrils. His head pounded with pain causing him to place his hand over his eyes. There was also a faint smell of vomit coming from somewhere. He clutched his stomach as he propped himself up on the pillows. _What the hell happened last night?_ This wasn't the first time he'd asked himself that question. Though, it was the first time he'd woken up in a hospital asking that question.

He tried to call out but his voice sounded raspy and weak. There was a red help button on the table. He pushed it and a few minutes later, in skipped a young, blonde nurse. She had the sort of overly enthusiastic attitude which was probably better suited for the children's ward.

"Hey, Mister Winchester! Feeling better?" she chirped, checking his stats on the monitor beside him.

"Not really," he groaned. "Why am I here?"

"Well, you had a nasty case of alcohol poisoning. If that friend of yours hadn't found you when he did, you wouldn't be in such a good position right now." She smiled warmly. "Can I get you anything?"

Suddenly, whatever was left in Dean's stomach began making its way upwards. "A sick bag maybe?"

After he had emptied his stomach and the nurse had made him comfortable, Dean began to think more clearly. "Who did you say brought me in?"

"Oh, a man, I can't remember if he mentioned his name. He was handsome though, blue eyes and such a confused look on his face. She giggled.

"Blue hoodie?"

"Yes! That man saved your life. I could see he cares about you a lot, he looked so worried. He must be a great friend."

"You have no idea," he said distantly.

Cas had saved his life yet again! _ I'll never be done owing that damn Angel_. Dean wasn't sure whether to feel grateful, embarrassed or both. Eventually, Dean's memory began to fill in some blanks and he remembered some snippets of what happened last night. He was breathing heavily and vomit was running down his chin. Someone was shouting his name and shaking him firmly. _ It must have been him_, he thought with a smile on his face.

A few minutes passed before the nurse began to prod and poke him. She wrapped a blood pressure band around his upper arm and began to squeeze the pump. As the band inflated more and more Dean hissed at the sudden pressure increase. She allowed the band to deflate whilst watching the meter she held in her hand. The nurse then shot Dean a reassuring grin and packed the band away.

"Are you feeling well enough for a visitor, Mister Winchester?"

Dean's heart began to race. "Yeah, I suppose." _ Had Cas waited all night?_

"Hey there," Maria said as she stood at the foot of his bed.

Dean felt his face drop in disappointment. "Hi."

"Oh, Dean!" she exclaimed, flinging her arms around his neck. "I'm so sorry!"

"It's not your fault," he whispered, rubbing her back.

"You almost died! Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, honestly." He smiled warmly at her.

"I've missed you so much," she said, releasing Dean from her grip and straightening out her clothes."Is it okay if I move back in?"

"Sure."

Maria smiled before planting a loving kiss on his dry lips. "I'll go move my stuff back to our place, then. I'll come take you home tomorrow, babe. I love you."

He couldn't bring himself to return those three words. Because, he knew in his heart, he didn't mean them like she did. Dean sighed and closed his eyes. He didn't want Maria to move back in. He didn't need another reason to feel guilty about his feelings for Cas. Dean would've preferred for her to leave him all together.

As sleep took over his body, the last thought that entered his head was, _I'm so glad Cas is back_. For the first time in a long time, he was beginning to trust someone. He believed Castiel deserved his trust after doing so much for him in the past... and now, in the present too.

* * *

_The howls of hell-hounds got louder and louder, _

_which turned into howls of pain and screams of souls begging for mercy. _

_Which turned to darkness, which th-_

"Dean," a deep voice whispered, delivering his body out of his horrible nightmare.

The room was pitch dark which caused him not to notice the man standing at the end of his bed at first. He wiped the sleep out of his eyes and propped himself up onto his elbows. His body was clammy with sweat and his clothes clung uncomfortably to his torso. He was still trying to catch his breath when Cas began to walk towards him. He then took a seat on the edge of the bed staring at Dean, his eyes looking wary.

"Hey," Dean began."It's a little late for visitors. How'd you get in?"

"A nurse owed me a favour," he replied matter-of-factly.

Dean chuckled before clearing his throat. He sat up and faced Castiel. "So, thanks for saving my life...again."

"Anytime," he replied, his voice completely sincere.

"No, I mean it, Cas. I really appreciate it. I never really thanked you much before, did I?" he said, looking down at his hands which were laying limp on his thighs.

"Your friendship was enough for me. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat." He smiled through the darkness.

Dean returned the gesture and they sat in silence for a few seconds. Cas then rested a hand on top of Dean's and stared into his eyes intently.

"Talk to me, Dean," he pleaded. "Are you _really_'okay'?"

Dean inhaled deeply. With his eyes closed, he tried to compose himself. He then stared at Cas with tears threatening to spill from his eyes at any second.

"Please, Dean," he continued. "I just watched you twist, turn and shout out in your sleep. So, please... Tell me the truth."

Dean took a deep breath. "You were right."

"About what?"

"I'm not handling it well." He shuddered as the memories began to bubble to the surface.

Cas gave him a second to calm down. "It's okay, take your time," he encouraged, curling his warm fingers around Dean's trembling hand.

"Ever since... Sammy let Lucifer in.. I've been so angry... I mean, I was proud of him for being so strong... But, I am _so_ fucking angry with myself. I could've done something!" he shouted, his voice unstable and shaky as Cas continued to caress his fingers. "I see him every night... The look on his face... You should've seen the look on my little brother's face that day, Castiel! You should've seen the fear in his eyes." He sniffled as the tears he'd been holding back for so long finally began to flow like mini waterfalls down his face. "I was meant to keep him safe! I let him down... I let him down and I let my mom and dad down! And I _hate_ myself for it!"

He then fell forward into Castiel's arms and buried his face into his shoulder. They sat there, for what seemed like hours. Dean sobbing and trembling uncontrollably whilst Castiel sat silently, feeling useless, letting him cry the pain out.

Castiel had known it was only a matter of time before Dean took some sort of meltdown. What he hadn't been prepared for was how it would affect _him_. It felt as if someone had punched him in the gut. Seeing Dean this hurt, hearing him speak so poorly about himself and not being able to do anything about it almost killed him. He tightened his grip on Dean, resting his chin on top of his head. What Cas really wanted to do was take all the pain Dean was feeling inside and throw it all away. He began to stroke Dean's hair gently with his free hand.

"It going to be alright, Dean, I swear. I'm not going anywhere, you hear me?" he said, his voice trembling though his words were completely sincere.

Dean tightened his grip and, through sniffles, mumbled one word into Castiel's chest, "Sorry."

Cas pushed Dean back gently so that they were facing each other. Dean's wet eyes seemed to sparkle in the faint moonlight filtering through the window. They looked tired, fragile and desperate for forgiveness.

"You are not the one who should be apologizing," he said sternly. "I was the one who was stupid enough to leave. I am _so_ sorry, Dean. I hope you can forgive me. I'm here for you, Dean. I'm going to be here... for you... forever."

Dean trembled under Castiel's grip, tears clinging onto his eyelashes. "I _need_ you to stay, Cas."

Cas smiled warmly and nodded. "I will, Dean. I promise." _He called me 'Cas'._

There was silence whilst Dean wiped his tears with a tissue that Cas offered him. He watched as Dean settled back into the bed and his tired eyes began to close on their own again. Just as he got towards the door, Dean called his name weakly.

"Don't leave me tonight... _please_?" he pleaded.

Castiel found himself gliding automatically towards him as if Dean's voice was a fishing rod reeling him in. He slouched down onto the bed parallel to Dean. His legs flipped up onto the bed as Dean flinched slightly, his eyes suddenly full of fear. His body felt tense against Castiel's.

"So, what did you get up to during the last five years then?" he asked shakily, closing his eyes again.

"I went back to Heaven. The war broke out just as I had predicted. Our side won and I returned to Earth. At first, my plan was to look for you. That search took me to Kansas."

"Lawrence?" His questioning voice sounded full of pain.

"Yes, I stayed there for two years before going to Boston."

Dean's eyes flickered open. "Why did you stay in Lawrence for two years?"

Cas averted his gaze to his hands. "I met someone."

Dean propped himself up, his eyes looking at Castiel full of curiosity. "Who?"

"A woman named Suzannah. She was twenty-five. She had blonde hair, too many shoes and an adventurous soul." He smiled, reminiscing.

Soon, Dean's gaze turned hostile. Inside, jealousy was churning up inside his stomach. "I see... You got together with her and she stole your V-card?"

Confusion spread across Castiel's face. "I am not familiar with that phrase. What is a 'V-card'?"

"Your virginity!" Dean spat viciously.

Cas looked shocked and slightly offended as his cheeks flushed with colour. He decided it was best to change the subject. "After staying in Boston for a few months I travelled to Texas. I've been here for over a year. And, you know the rest."

Dean sighed. "So, you're not going to tell me what happened with Suzannah?"

"We simply decided that it wasn't working."

"Do you still care about her?"

"A little, but that part of my life is over."

"How can you just forget about the woman you lost your virginity to?"

"She didn't take my virginity, Dean," he replied calmly. "I see virginity as a sacred thing. It shouldn't just be given away. I plan to give mine to someone who deserves that honour. Someone I care about. Someone I love."

"You didn't love her?"

"No. I believe you only fall in love once in your life."

Dean blinked. "Oh, you've already fell in love?"

Castiel's cheeks began to burn as he stared into Dean's oblivious eyes. "Yes."

"With who?" Dean prodded, his eyes holding Castiel's gaze as though this was his last chance to see them.

Cas stayed silent, his breath becoming rapid.

"Come on, Cas! You can tell me, y'know!" he said jokingly.

"It doesn't matter. This person probably doesn't feel the same."

"I'll keep it a secret," Dean teased.

Castiel's expressions changed from embarrassed to apologetic. "You."

Dean's throat seemed to close on itself as his stomach went crazy with somersaulting butterflies. Suddenly, he found himself reaching for Castiel's face with both hands and plunging towards him. Their lips crashed together. His eyes closed instinctively as he felt Cas melt into him. Dean had imagined kissing Castiel before. But, this... this exceeded his expectations. It felt as if he'd finally found that piece of him that had been missing for so long. Like that hole he'd been trying to fill with booze and women had finally been filled. He felt... happy. It was a strange feeling. This feeling tugged at the edges of his lips and caused him to grin into the kiss a little, still locked passionately onto Castiel's lips.

Cas felt the heat radiate off of Dean's body which caused him to moan a little. His eyes stayed wide open, partly because of shock and partly because he'd never experienced the feeling kissing Dean gave him. He'd kissed people before. But, this felt different. It felt better. It felt so right, so good, so... perfect.

The kiss became frantic, as if they'd both been waiting for this moment for a long time. Their hands roamed free, exploring one another's bodies which were now pressed close together. Dean's tongue explored every inch of Castiel's warm mouth as he ran his fingers through his scruffy hair.

All of a sudden, Dean realized what was happening and jolted backwards staying as far away from Cas as the bed would allow. His face looked like he had just witnessed something horrific happen. He stayed frozen in shock as Cas got off the bed and regained his normal breathing pattern.

Cas decided that Dean would need time and space to get his head around things. He didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay there all night with Dean in his arms. But, he knew that Dean was shocked by his sudden confession and what they'd just done.

"I should..." his voice trailed off into silence. "See you tomorrow," he managed before leaving the room.

* * *

The next day Maria took Dean home. All day he lay on the sofa hogging the television remote watching re-runs of 'Dr. Sexy M.D.' He'd always had a secret man-crush on Dr. Sexy. Part of the attraction was the fact that the shaggy haired consultant wore cowboy boots. His thoughts then turned to the time Gabriel had stuck him in TV-land with Sam. These memories are what hurt Dean the most, the good memories. The ones that made him smile and cry at the same time. Because, he knew that there would be no more goofing around, no more laughing, no more happy memories with his brother. No more memories at all.

With a swift motion he switched the TV off and threw the remote onto the ground. As he lay there alone he, once again, got the urge to crash into the kitchen, search the fridge for some beer and drink himself into oblivion just so he could forget about Sam for one minute. The thought of beer made his stomach churn as he remembered waking up in hospital two mornings before. Besides, Maria had thrown out all the alcohol in the house.

_ I wonder what Cas is doing now_, he thought as he lay staring into space. He remembered the feel of Cas below him. The feeling of his soft lips pressed against his. The way his hands travelled, touching parts of Cas he'd never touched before. Most of all, he remembered the way his spine began to tingle the minute their lips locked. But, he couldn't fight the feeling of disgust he had towards himself. He wasn't supposed to feel like this about Cas. This was never supposed to happen.

* * *

A week later, Dean had just arrived home from work when the door bell chimed. He finished scraping leftover meat into Angel's dish and then headed towards the door. Standing on the other side was Cas with a friendly smile on his face and a plastic bag in his hand.

"Hello, Dean. I brought you something!" he said cheerily as he waved the bag in front of Dean's face.

Dean said nothing as he stood back allowing Cas to enter the house. When he had shut the door behind them, he took the bag from Cas and opened it up. Inside the bag was a ready-made, ham and cheese sandwich. Dean looked up at Cas with a confused look on his face.

"Maria told me to make sure you were eating properly." He smiled.

"You're such a dork, Cas." Castiel frowned and Dean placed a hand on his shoulder. "It's a good thing. Thanks for this."

"You're welcome and Maria told me to let you know that she's staying with a friend tonight, her boyfriend just left her."

"Oh, right. So, I guess you can go now," Dean mumbled as he popped open the plastic and dug into the sandwich.

"That's not what you were asking me to do last week in the hospital."

Dean stopped eating and squinted his eyes at Cas darkly. "Oh, so now you're a smart-ass?"

Cas stood silently watching as Dean gobbled the sandwich, then smiled gratefully before heading to the kitchen. He followed close behind as Dean threw the container into a large black rubbish bag before returning to the living room.

"I thought we'd got past not talking about things," Cas said quietly.

"You _honestly_ want to talk about that night? You're _really_ gonna go there?" asked Dean frustratedly.

"Yes!" exclaimed Cas, looking at Dean with hope in his eyes. "In fact, I want to talk about the past seven years."

"Why?"

"Because that's how long I've been in love with you," Cas said. His eyes began to widen slightly. He didn't mean to blurt it out this soon.

Silence filled the room as Dean stared at him for a few minutes with wide eyes and his mouth hanging open. He then licked his lips nervously and looked away, rubbing his eyes. "What?"

"I can't hide it any longer. I feel... different with you than any other human being I've ever met. When I returned to Earth and began to look for you, I thought I'd lost you for good. I felt like everything was over. Then when I saw you in that park... Dean, you have no idea just how much you saved me. I don't care if you don't feel the same. I just want to be here... with you... forever."

Dean was shocked. He stood there, heart beating fast and slow at the same time. He felt like someone had just slapped him over the face. But, it felt good. A single tear ran down his cheek as he stared intensely into Castiel's eyes.

"Dean?" he prodded.

"I... don't know what to say, Cas," he whimpered.

"Just tell me how you feel."

Dean turned away again.

Cas sighed in frustration. "I just poured my heart out to you and you're going to say nothing!"

Dean stood in silence.

"I'm sorry... I shouldn't have told you anything," Cas said as he began to walk towards the door.

"It doesn't matter how I feel," Dean said, his voice trembling. "Do you even realize how complicated you've just made things?"

"It does matter how you feel! It matters to _me_! Don't you think you deserve to be happy?"

Dean stared at the ground and shook his head. "I don't deserve _you_."

"I don't understand," said Cas with his eyebrows furrowed and his head tilted slightly to the side.

It was like he knew just how to look in order to get Dean's attention, like he knew that _that_ look drove Dean crazy. He had to bite down hard on his bottom lip to stop himself from getting too lost in Castiel's blue eyes which were now staring right into his. Nothing else came close to the feeling that Dean got when Cas looked into his eyes. His spine would tingle and he always felt as if those perfect blue eyes could see straight into his soul. They probably could, if Cas was still an angel.

"Maybe I do have feelings for you! Maybe I can't get you outta my goddamn mind, Cas! But, that doesn't mean I should act on my feelings. Like I said, I don't deserve you... I don't deserve anything."

"You're wrong, Dean," Cas whispered grabbing Dean's face with both hands and wiping tears away from his cheeks with his thumbs. "I happen to think you're amazing."

Dean wriggled out of Castiel's grip. "Shut up."

Cas sighed. "So, you're just going to let me walk out that door?"

Dean stayed silent.

"Because, if I do, I'll never come back." But, he knew deep down, that wasn't true.

Dean didn't say a word as Cas walked out the door and away from him. He watched from the doorway as the most important person in his life waited for cars to pass him so that he could cross the street and leave him for good. Was he really willing to let Cas get away? Did he really not want to be happy? The answer to both of these questions slipped out of his mouth as easily as the air he breathed,

"No," he whispered.

Dean ran out the door and onto the driveway, the gravel scraping at his bare feet. He didn't care though, he needed Cas to stay. He took a few more steps before wincing and calling out Castiel's name.

Cas spun around and looked at him, his eyes shone full of hope. Dean smiled at the look on his face and began to run towards him. Suddenly, the sound of brakes squealing filled the night air as a car struck Cas and a groan of pain escaped from his mouth.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Part Four;**_

Dean sped down the driveway and fell to his knees beside Castiel's writhing body. He knelt over him and placed one hand on the side of his cheek.

"Cas!" he shouted, his voice shaking. "Talk to me, man!"

Cas hissed in pain as he tried to sit up. Dean wrapped his arm around Castiel's torso and quickly checked him over. When he was content that he wasn't seriously injured, he flung Castiel's right arm over his shoulders and placed a firm hand around his waist to help him up.

"Is he okay?" mumbled an elderly man who had just stepped out of the car.

"Yeah, maybe you should watch where you're going next time!" Dean hissed, heading towards the house.

Dean walked Cas slowly back into the house, closing the door with his foot. He never once took his eyes off of Cas. His free hand shook as it clung tightly onto the one Cas had draped over his shoulders. "I'm gonna take you upstairs now, Cas. You with me, man?"

"Uhm, y-yeah," Cas mumbled.

Dean then bent down slightly and wrapped his free arm around the back of Castiel's legs in order to carry him. When he'd finally managed to get him into his arms, Dean stood for a minute gazing into Castiel's eyes.

"You don't have to, D-"

"It's okay," Dean whispered before planting a gentle kiss on Castiel's temple.

After he made it upstairs, Dean made his way into his bedroom and laid Cas gently on top of his bed. Suddenly the atmosphere turned awkward. Dean stood at the foot of his own bed trying to figure out how the hell it all came to this. A month ago he would've never imagined he would have Cas sprawled out on his bed all injured and hurt because of him. It was at that moment it all became clear to him. Every time Cas tried to help him, he always ended up getting hurt.

"Look what I've done to you," he whimpered.

Cas propped himself up on his elbows, his expression turning stern and serious, "This is _not_ your fault, Dean. I wasn't looking where I was going."

"This all happened because I can't face up to what I want."

"Oh, Dean," Cas sighed. "Can I ask you a question?"

Dean nodded.

"What is it that you want?"

"You," Dean said softly. His face was burning and his eyes stung with tears.

Cas smiled. "You already have me, Dean. Just do what you feel will make _you_ happy."

"You make it sound so easy."

"That's because it is," he said, sitting up and grabbing Dean's hand to pull him down beside him. "You taught me that, Dean. You taught me everything I know about being Human," he said softly, stroking Dean's hand with his fingertips.

Dean then noticed a bloodied gash on the top of Castiel's cheek. He examined it. Fresh blood oozed out of it as dirt clung to the quickly drying blood.

"I'm gonna need to patch that up," he mumbled, half to himself as he reached into his pocket for his whiskey flask.

In a swift movement he spilled half of the alcohol in the flask over the cut. Castiel's eyes closed tightly and he inhaled sharply, squirming as pain shot through his face.

"Shh. Sorry."

He then pulled out a small wooden box from under his bed. After gathering a needle and some dental floss he shut the box over and threw it to the side as he sat beside Cas on the bed. Castiel's eyes remained closed as Dean threaded the floss through the needle. He then placed his hand gently on Castiel's face pinching the wound shut with his index finger and thumb. "This is gonna sting a bit," he warned.

Dean's eyes squinted in concentration as he pushed the needle through Castiel's flesh. Groans of pain came from deep inside Castiel's throat as pain shot through his cheek. After Dean had finished he smiled warmly at Cas. "Good as new," he said before patting Cas on the back a little too hard. This caused him to gasp in pain and grab Dean's shoulder exactly where the hand shaped burn was. They both flinched as a tingling sensation rippled through their bodies.

"Sorry," gasped Cas as he pulled his hand away.

Dean looked down. "The wedding... It's three days away."

"I see..." Cas said softly.

"I can't marry her."

"Like I said, do whatever will make you happy."

Dean looked into his eyes and smiled warmly. "You make me happy, Cas. Happier than I've been in a very long time." His eyebrows began to furrow and a frown appeared on his lips. "But, like _I_ said, I don't deserve you C-"

Cas didn't let Dean finish his sentence, he was fed up hearing how he was too good for him and all that other stuff that didn't really matter. All that mattered was that they were here, together, now. He leaned forward and locked his lips onto Dean's. They were soft and tender. They parted slightly, inviting Castiel's tongue to slip in and enjoy the warmth of his mouth. Cas then proceeded to gently pushing Dean back onto the bed so that he was now laying down, ignoring the way his ribs screamed in pain. He never broke their lip-lock. Words didn't mean anything to him at this point. He knew this may be his last chance to do this with him. He wasn't going to pass this opportunity up knowing what was about to happen in three days.

He finally pulled his lips away, nibbling slightly at Dean's bottom lip before proceeding to leave a trail of soft kisses down his jaw line and onto his neck where he paused to inhale the scent of the man he loved. He never wanted to forget this moment. He wanted to remember every tiny detail. The way Dean's heart beat felt fast against his chest. The way their fingers intertwined instinctively. The way Dean could send shivers down his spine just by looking at him. If this was his last intimate night with Dean, he wanted it to be perfect.

"Cas," Dean whispered breathlessly, sitting up with Cas in his lap.

"What is it, Dean?"

"I can't," he said, hesitation rife in his voice.

"Dean, this is our last chance," he said, cupping a hand on Dean's face.

"I know... that's what's making this hard for me." He sighed, tears filling his eyes. "I want your first time to be special for you. I can't give you that, Cas. I'm not special."

"No. You're so wrong." He placed a tender kiss on Dean's trembling lips. "I want this." He tightened his grip on Dean's hand and ran his free hand across the left side of Dean's chest right where his heart was beating faster with every second. "I need it to be you, Dean. No one else can make me feel like you do." He began to kiss and suck at Dean's neck again causing a low rumble of approval to come from his throat. "It won't be special unless it's with you."

Tears flowed down Dean's face as he reached for Castiel's. "You're so stupid, you know that?"

Cas smirked and stared deep into Dean's eyes. "Your eyes are the most beautiful things God ever created. I'm so thankful that I get to gaze into them with such proximity."

Dean started to chuckle. "Cas," he began, wiping a few tears from his face. "If it's my last chance to say it... I always felt the same about yours." He pulled Cas closer to him. "Now, enough with the chick flick moments," he growled seductively before threading his fingers through Castiel's hair and pulling him into a passionate kiss.

Cas didn't notice the tears streaming down his own face, but even when he did, he didn't care. His lips continued their journey down Dean's neck until he stopped to slip his hands underneath his shirt to lift it up over Dean's head and threw it behind him. He spent some time kissing and sucking at Dean's collar bone which seemed to get a good response judging by the way Dean tugged gently at his hair. He then plunged down again covering every inch of Dean's toned chest with tender kisses. All the while, his hand was gripping Dean's, never letting go. Cas had never done this before, but he seemed to know what made Dean happy. It was as if his knowledge of Dean and his soul told him what to do. When he got down to Dean's belly-button he stopped and slid back up to kiss his willing lips, pulling away to look lovingly into his perfect eyes before returning to explore his mouth some more. Every time Dean moaned in pleasure or whispered his name, Cas couldn't help but smile. He wanted to make Dean feel good, he wanted to make him feel better than he'd ever felt before.

Sweat trickled down Dean's back as he gave as good as he got with Cas. His fingers seemed to tangle themselves in his hair. Even though he was nervous and he could hardly believe this was happening, he wanted it so badly. It felt so goddamn right. Dean was one-hundred-percent sure that he wasn't gay. He didn't like guys. He just liked Cas. As he closed his eyes, he felt Cas fumble at the button of his jeans. He sat up and fumbled with him until it unbuttoned and Cas pushed him back down with one firm hand. His jeans were quickly yanked down and his groin suddenly felt a lot tighter. Dean felt slightly awkward having a boner for a guy, but when Castiel's eyes looked up at him begging for permission, he found himself automatically reaching forward to remove his boxers.

* * *

The night dragged on and the passion finally came to a climax almost an hour later when Cas rolled over onto the other side of the bed to lay beside Dean. Dean turned his head to watch Cas regain his breath. Sweat droplets glistened on his chest. His hair was messed up and curled slightly at the tips. _He's beautiful_, Dean thought as he smiled to himself. He couldn't stop himself from wrapping an arm around Cas and pecking his cheek gently.

"Night, Cas."

"Goodnight, Dean," Cas mumbled. His eyes felt heavy and tired.

He was too tired to say everything he wanted to but he had the feeling that Dean would know from his earlier actions. But, he did manage to wrap his fingers around Dean's and say the three words that were the most important in his mind right then.

"I love you."

Dean smiled into Castiel's neck, eyes still closed. "I love you too."

* * *

When Dean finally woke up, morning light was shining brightly through the window. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes as he sat up. Then he noticed he was alone in the bed. _ I have got to teach that Angel some manners,_ Dean smirked. He then yanked the covers off the bed and threw them in a laundry basket in the adjoining bathroom.

After taking his morning shower, he slipped on a white shirt and sweatpants and made his way downstairs. The sound and smell of bacon sizzling in a pan greeted him as he entered the kitchen. Then he saw a sight he never thought he'd ever see. Castiel was stood shirtless, in _his_ kitchen, cooking. Dean couldn't help but let out a chuckle.

"Good morning!" Cas chirped as he walked towards Dean.

"Something smells good."

"I've made you breakfast, sit down."

Dean obliged and sat down as Cas placed two slices of bacon and a fried egg onto his plate. He began eating, it was surprisingly good. "Wow! Where did you learn to cook?"

"I worked in a restaurant a few years ago."

"Seriously?"

"Well, I was a waiter. I dated one of the chefs," he said, sitting down opposite Dean.

"Oh..." Dean said, trying to hide his jealousy

It was then that Dean realized that there was so much he didn't know about his old friend. He realized that Cas may have only told him a fraction of what had happen these past five years. This scared him. What if Cas was different? What if he wasn't Dean's Cas anymore? Judging on the things the ex-angel did to him last night, he wouldn't be surprised. He took a deep breath as he finished off his breakfast.

"You seemed to sleep well," Cas said, smiling warmly at Dean.

A grin spread across Dean's face. "I think I did... Whoa!" He was surprised, it had been weeks since he'd had a night without a nightmare.

"I'm glad your nightmares are gone."

"Yeah! Let's hope they stay gone this time," Dean said, chuckling.

"So, I better get going," said Cas as he stood up.

"Okay."

A knot formed in Dean's gut. He didn't want Cas to leave. He wanted him to stay here. He wanted to be in his arms again, he felt so happy in them, so safe. He wanted to relive last night over and over again until he was too exhausted to stay awake.

There was silence before Cas smiled. "Last night was... _incredible_."

Dean's face began to burn and he stood up clearing his throat before looking at Cas and grinning. "Yeah, it was."

Cas then wrapped both arms around Dean's waist and held him close for what seemed like hours. Dean responded by tightening his hold and burying his face in Castiel's shoulder.

"Goodbye, Dean," he whispered with his mouth close to Dean's ear.

"Bye." Dean's voice broke a little as he pulled away gently.

Then Cas slipped on a shirt and headed towards the door. Before he could get there Dean shouted his name. He swung around and looked at him.

"I almost forgot..." he said, rummaging around in an old duffle bag. "I got you something."

Dean then produced a sandy brown trench coat from the bag. He then walked forward and wrapped it around Castiel's shoulders. A smile spread across his face as he finally saw the old Cas in front of him. _His_ Cas.

"Thank you, Dean," he said, chuckling.

They exchanged a meaningful glance before Cas disappeared out the door and Dean stood alone in the kitchen frowning. He knew that this time in two days time he would no longer be allowed to feel this way. He wasn't meant to feel like this in the first place. But, Cas made it feel so easy, so right.

* * *

The next night was Dean's last night of freedom. His stag night. His boss, Kenny and a few other guys from works kept telling him they had the craziest night planned for him. They were starting off in a local bar. All the guys had beer whilst Dean sat with nothing in front of him. He didn't want to break his promise to Maria that he would never drink again. But, as the night went on, the temptation got more and more unbearable for him. Finally he gave in and warned the guys that he was only having one round. After an hour Dean had went through four glasses of beer. He was starting to feel tipsy and ill and knew that if he didn't get away soon he'd drink so much that he wouldn't remember his own name in the morning.

He faked a yawn. "Guys, I'm exhausted. I'm gonna call it a night."

This caused uproar from the others who dragged him back down every time he tried to get up. All of them were either drunk or very close to it. Hell, they were having a better time than he was! "Come on, man! Stay for a few more! It's your stag night!" someone slurred.

"Nope, I'm heading home," he said, finally getting to his feet. "Thanks for this, guys. See you all tomorrow," he called before stepping out into the cold night air.

He stood silently for a few minutes watching his breath disappear into the air. Dean knew that if he went home, the silence would drive him to drink some more. He knew he couldn't cope on his own. Dean was never the type of man to ask for help, but he knew, deep down, that he needed it tonight. There was only one person he could turn to right now.

Suddenly he found himself jogging towards the motel that Castiel was staying in. He rang the doorbell and was greeted by an elderly woman who smiled warmly at him.

"What can I do for ya, sweetie?"

"Um... I'm looking for Castiel," Dean said, scratching the back of his neck nervously.

The woman flicked through a notepad sat on the desk in front of her before stopping and placing a finger on a page. "That would be room twelve."

"Thanks."

Dean walked through the corridors peering at every number on every door. _9... 10... 11..._ When he got to the door with a gold '12' on it he paused for a second before knocking it confidently and waiting. The door swung open and behind it stood a tall blonde woman. Her eyes were green and her hair was messy. She had a tank top and short-shorts on even though it was unseasonably cold. Dean's stomach began to churn.

"Can I help you?" she asked calmly.

"Is this... I... Is this Castiel's room?" Dean stuttered.

"Cazza!" the girl called, never taking her eyes off of Dean.

_'Cazza'? His name is Castiel!_

Eventually, Castiel appeared behind her. His hair was messy and his clothes were rumpled. In his hand was a glass filled with whiskey. His eyes looked puffed out and strange. _Had he been crying?_

"Dean? I thought you'd be out tonight."

"I was but... I thought... Never mind. This was a stupid idea," he said before heading back down the corridor.

"Dean!" Cas called, setting his glass down and following him. "Dean, wait!"

Dean stopped and turned around. "Who's your friend?"

"Suzannah."

Dean looked at him with confused eyes. "How long has she been here?"

"She just turned up tonight."

"Was she a good lay then?" he asked, his jaw clenching so tightly his teeth began to grit against each other.

Cas sighed. "What?"

"Suzannah! Did she make sure you weren't lonely?" he asked sarcastically.

"Dean, I don't know what you're imply-"

"DID SHE FUCK YOU?" Dean shouted, his body shaking with rage.

Cas stayed silent for a while, his eyes wide and full of shock. Then he relaxed his stance and glared at Dean. "Yeah... as a matter of fact, she did," Cas replied spitefully, getting closer to Dean. He now had anger burning in his eyes. A look Dean had only seen very few times before.

Dean's expression turned icy cold. "Really?" he choked.

"Yeah! And you know what? I enjoyed every second of it! She was _far_ better than you were!" he spat.

Before Dean knew it, he found his fist slamming into Castiel's jaw. There was silence for a few seconds whilst Cas regained his composure, blood trickling down from his now split lip. Suddenly Castiel grabbed Dean by the shoulders and slammed him up against the wall. He pushed his arm across Dean's chest and leaned in close. Their lips brushed and Dean groaned, trying to break free. Cas stared into his eyes intensely.

"You're not the only one who gets to break hearts, Dean," he growled, tears filling his eyes.

Afterwards, Cas stepped back, wiped his lip again and walked back towards his motel room slamming the door behind him. Dean leant forwards in an attempt to calm himself down. Did he just punch Cas because he had sex with Suzannah? _What the hell is wrong with me?_ Then the door opened and shut again and Suzannah walked towards him. Her hand connected with his face just as he stood upright again. This caused him to stumble back slightly.

"Ouch! What the _hell_ was that for?" he moaned.

"For being a stupid son of a bitch."

Dean looked at her, perplexed.

"Don't you realize? That man in there is heartbroken! Dean, you have no idea just how much he cares about you and you just stomp all over his heart like he meant nothing to you!"

"You know nothing about us, Suzannah," he growled.

"I know enough to see that you're about to make the biggest mistake of your life tomorrow."

"Whatever. If he cares about me so much, why'd he... why'd you... why did you and him..."

He couldn't bring himself to say it, it made him feel sick to the pit of his stomach. After everything that happened the night before, he felt as though Cas had cheated on him. It made his head spin. It made him want to throw a massive tantrum and scream and cry until his voice disappeared and there were no more tears to cry. He was furious. Torn apart.

Suzannah looked at him, shocked and amused. "Fuck? You think we had sex?"

Dean stayed silent.

"Well, you're definitely not as smart as he's been telling me you are!" She rolled her eyes and smirked before continuing, "We didn't. I mean... I wanted to. But, he was having none of it. He kept telling me he was in love with someone else." She poked Dean playfully on the shoulder.

"Seriously?" Intense relief flooded through Dean's whole body causing him to shudder slightly.

"Yes!"

"But... he told me you did."

She sighed again. "He was angry that you'd even think he'd ever do something like that, dumbass! He was trying to make you jealous or something!"

Dean just sat in silence. _Well he did a damn good job of that_, he thought to himself.

"Fuck, Dean! You don't know how goddamn lucky you are. Castiel loves you so unconditionally it hurts. I just hope you make the right choice tomorrow."

As Dean watched Suzannah leave, her words echoed inside his head. But, what was 'the right choice'? He knew he had two choices, normality or happiness. Normality meant marrying Maria, having kids and living an apple-pie life. Happiness meant... well, it only meant one thing... or more specifically, one person. _Castiel._


	5. Chapter 5

_**Part Five;**_

_This is it_, he thought as he tightened his bowtie in front of a mirror in his room. It was a beautiful summer's day outside and the birds were chirping merrily in the morning air outside his window. It was just past nine a.m. and the ceremony was set to begin at around eleven. Dean's hands shook as he reached for his blazer. After slipping it on, he turned to face himself in the mirror. The suit he had chosen was black and his bowtie was dark red. The tie felt stiflingly tight around his neck. It all just felt so wrong. The fact that he was even preparing to go to the church felt wrong. His stomach felt empty but his nerves kept him feeling nauseous enough to stay away from food.

He slumped down onto his bed and buried his face in his hands. He didn't sleep at all the night before. Thoughts kept buzzing around inside his head refusing to let him relax. He knew he had an important decision to make today. The problem was, he still didn't know what to do. He didn't want to marry Maria, not really. But, he didn't want to hurt her. Truth was, he was in love with Cas. It was as simple as that. It didn't feel that simple to Dean, though.

* * *

When he made it to the church it had just turned ten o'clock. He watched absentmindedly as people he didn't even know arrived outside the church. Men and women greeted him with smiles, hugs and the occasional "Good luck". It felt as though they were taunting him. As if they knew what he was thinking just by looking at him. Sweat trickled down his back. He was feeling more and more agitated by the second. He just wanted this day to be over already. Suddenly he had a flashback of a few nights ago. He saw images in his mind of Cas staring at him from above, of Castiel's lips touching his tenderly, of his own hand running down to rest on Castiel's bare hips. He had to shake his head slightly to stop himself thinking about it.

Then, across the street, he saw him. He looked down at his shoes before beginning to walk across the road and stop in front of Cas. The first few seconds were spent in silence before Dean looked up. Castiel was looking at Dean intensely, his lip still cracked from Dean's punch last night. Dean had the sudden urge to reach forward and run his fingers along the cut. But, there were too many people about.

"Cas, I'm sorry about last night," he said softly.

"It's okay. I deserved it."

"No... You didn't." Dean paused, eyebrows furrowed. He was trying so hard to keep himself together but every time he looked at Castiel's swollen lip he felt so ashamed.

"Suzannah and I didn't..."

"I know," whispered Dean, his face flushing slightly.

"Dean, I'm going to continue my search for more of my brothers and sisters."

Dean frowned. "You're leaving?"

Cas nodded. "I'm getting a bus at noon."

"Oh."

"So, I guess this is goodbye," Cas said with a sad smile on his face.

"Yeah." Dean coughed, looked up and blinked, doing pretty much anything to avoid tears from spilling from his eyes.

"You'll be okay," Cas said, smiling warmly.

"Thanks… for everything, Cas."

"No, Dean. Thank _you_."

Dean then turned and walked back towards the church. It was over. Everything with Cas all led to this moment. This really was goodbye. This was the end for them. Dean's heart felt heavy in his chest as he climbed the steps and walked through the church doors. This was it. This was his choice, a life of normality. He was going to spend the rest of his life with Maria. Maybe he wasn't happy, but he was content. He took a deep breath to regain his composure. His decision was made. The 'Cas and Dean' story was over.

* * *

Dean was stood at the altar listening to the minister talk on and on about the importance of love in marriage. He wasn't really listening. His mind was elsewhere. Finally there was movement at the doors of the church and he heard many voices informing him that Maria's car had just pulled up. This was it. He ran his clammy hands down his suit to flatten any creases.

The doors opened and a short brown-haired woman with glasses came running in. She had a blue satin dress on which indicated that she was one of Maria's bridesmaids. Her heels clicked as she jogged towards Dean. She then stood on tip-toes, her lips brushing Dean's ear.

"Maria's in the minister's office, she needs to talk to you."

Dean looked down at her, obviously confused before following her to the door of the office. He then sighed and entered the office. Maria was stood in a long, white sleeveless wedding dress that hugged her curves perfectly. Her hair was braided on top of her head and a small plastic crown was clipped to the front. She looked like something out of a movie. Her eyes glistened as she walked towards Dean.

"Dean, you look so handsome," she breathed.

"You look beautiful, Maria. But, isn't it bad luck for me to see you before you walk up the aisle?" he joked.

Maria sighed and looked at him seriously before handing him an envelope."I need you to know that I love you," she said.

"Wha-"

Maria placed a cold finger over Dean's lips. "Hear me out."

Dean nodded and she removed her finger. "I can't marry you, Dean. I know you don't love me." Her voice began to tremble as tears flowed from her eyes. "But, that's okay. Just promise me something..." She paused, taking a deep breath and holding Dean's face in both hands. "Promise me you'll listen to what I said in that." She nodded her head towards the envelope in Dean's hands.

"Maria, I-"

"Please," she pleaded.

Dean frowned and nodded slightly. "Okay, I promise."

Maria planted a gentle kiss on Dean's lips and stepped back. "Now, get out of here. Then read that and have a good life."

"Will you be-"

"Okay?" she interrupted. "Yeah, I will... eventually. Now _go_!" she said, pointing to the door and smiling through her tears.

* * *

Dean opened the envelope with shaky hands, still confused by what had just happened. Maria's handwriting scrawled the page,

**Dean,**

I love you so much, but I know in my heart that you don't feel the same.

I know about you and Castiel.

Just do one more thing for me, don't ever let him feel unloved.

Be happy,

**M xoxo**

PS; take the damn dog with you, she hates me.

* * *

When Dean got back to his house he searched the closet for his emergency duffle bag which contained clothes and other things he needed if he ever had to make a swift getaway. He then slung it over his shoulder and whistled for Angel to follow him. He entered the garage and stared at his impala. He hadn't used her in years but he just couldn't bring himself to get rid of her. He threw his duffle bag into the back seat and helped Angel in beside it. As he clutched the wheel for the first time in years his heart began to beat faster and a grin spread across his face. He then looked at the clock. It read 11:56. Dean knew that buses were pretty accurate here. This was his real decision. Take Cas with him or let him get away. The impala made his decision for him by moving forwards slightly. He then pushed down on the accelerator and headed straight for the bus stop.

* * *

When Dean skidded to a stop a few feet in front of the bus stop, he could see the bus was stationary and people were boarding. He stumbled out of the car and ran towards the crowd of people standing aimlessly waiting to board. Then he spotted Cas. He was just third in the line.

"CAS!" Dean screamed with all the power in his throat.

Castiel looked around, confused at first. But then their eyes locked and Dean smiled at him, tilting his head slightly. That was all Cas needed. He began to run towards Dean before stopping cautiously in front of him.

"What happened?"

"_We_ happened, Cas. I can't let you get away again. I'm leaving Texas. You coming with me?" he asked hopefully.

Suddenly Castiel plunged himself towards Dean, holding him closer than ever. Dean's heart was leaping in his chest. He didn't know exactly how love felt but somehow, right now, he knew that Castiel was his definition of love. After sniffling and loosening his grip on Cas he stepped back and looked desperately into his eyes.

"She knew… about us."

Castiel's eyes widened slightly.

"It's okay, Cas. Besides, how can I stand in front of a church full of people and promise to love someone when I know that my heart's with someone else?"

"With who?" Cas asked, as if he didn't already know.

Dean laughed and wiped a few tears away from his eyes. "It's _you_, Captain Doofus. It always has been," he said, his eyes damp but sincere. "And I have a feeling that it always will be."

All of a sudden Dean found himself locked in a passionate embrace with the man he loved in front of a bunch of people waiting for a bus. He knew it was cheesy as hell, but right now, he didn't care. He wasn't going to let the person he loved with every fibre of his being slip out of his grip ever again. Because, no matter how hard Dean tried to forget his feelings for the angel, he knew that the memories would never fade. When they finally stopped for air they smiled fondly at each other.

"So, you coming or not?" Dean asked, with hope in his eyes.

"Of course."


	6. Epilogue

_**Epilogue;**_

The small wooden cross still stood in the abandoned graveyard. It had only been a month since Dean had last visited, but so much had changed since then. He was in a much better place now. It wasn't raining today; in fact, there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Dean ran his fingers over the cross just like he did every time he visited it. He knew he probably wouldn't see it for a while.

"Hey, Sammy. Don't worry, I'm not gonna cry this time." He chuckled. "Cas came back and, we're gonna leave Texas and stick together. I know you said you wanted me to live an apple-pie life. This may not be what you imagined. Hell, it definitely wasn't what _I_ expected." He smiled. "But I'm happy now. It's _my_ version of 'apple-pie'."

Dean stood up and took Castiel's hand, intertwining their fingers. Cas stood staring down fondly at the small hand-made cross.

"He never shuts up about pie, Sam!" Cas laughed.

Dean pushed him playfully before resting his head on his shoulder. "Come on, let's hit the road."

They headed towards the impala hand-in-hand with Angel on their heels. She jumped into the back seat and Dean shut the door behind her. Cas hopped into the passenger seat and Dean relaxed into the driver's seat.

"See ya, Sammy," he said, taking one last look over at the cross.

Dean didn't know what was going to happen in the future. All he knew was, right at this very moment everything was perfect. For the first time in years, Dean Winchester didn't have to force a smile. With Cas riding shotgun and Baby doing sixty, he didn't look back. Not because he couldn't, but because he didn't _need_ to. Everything he needed was right here, right now. That was enough for him.

**THE END.**


End file.
